Sunday, May 15, 2011


I would hate to think I had lived my entire life without seeing the apocalyptic end of the world at least once, and it now seems I'll have my chance. An evangelical radio ministry is predicting the end of the world for 6 PM, EST, on Saturday, May 21.

The event is in fact predicted to begin on the 21st on the international date line, and progress around the world, so the place to be would be on a cruise ship on the East side of the line so you can observe the beginning of the end, and still have 24 hours to do whatever it is you think you should be doing in your last 24 hours on earth.

This brings about some conundrums for the average bloke. If God is sufficiently annoyed with us as to destroy the whole world, then some last-minute sin and debauchery will probably not affect the ultimate outcome much. On the other hand I've heard it said* that if you repent at the last minute, then after an agonizing death under the hot lava, you get full medical benefits and a harp.

There is also the specter of a heavenly bureaucracy at work:
Camping’s followers believe many will die in earthquakes on May 21, but the world will go on for another five months before it’s destroyed on Oct. 21.
Which goes along with the story that the world was to be destroyed Jan 1, 1000 AD, but the paperwork is still being processed.

So go visit your favorite drinking establishment this coming Saturday, and start a tab. If the world ends, you drink for free, and if it doesn't, you pay the tab happy to be alive. It's a no-lose situation.

*Might make a good line in a rock-n-roll song, no?


Anonymous said...

"Which goes along with the story that the world was to be destroyed Jan 1, 1000 AD, but the paperwork is still being processed."

A thousand years before that, there was the "Y Zero K" problem (translated from a Latin scroll dated 2BC):

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y Zero K problem?

This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with time running the wrong way.

Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar just a few years back. And, he said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.

We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. And, as usual he charged us a fortune for doing absolutely nothing useful.

Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start over again? I suppose Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this.

Not only that, the money lenders are absolutely paranoid. They just figured out that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year. There are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. So, we continue to work on this blasted Y Zero K problem.

I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know,

As for me, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.


Brad K. said...

I dunno. I think clean and sober would be a better way to celebrate the joys of this life. Adulterating our perception of reality is a bit like a small death. If the real thing is a-coming, then why waste nickels and moments on weak immitations?

Besides, I recall the Harmonica Virgins (Harmonic convergence?) didn't seem to have the global impact that was expected. I mean, heaven forbid this is a local effect, limited to Camping and his followers.

And don't forget the Jesus Effect - they won't roll out the good wine until God Himself walks in.

And I think that planning when you are going to repent is as self-defeating as planning when to start a diet. When you decide you need to change your diet, that is the critical moment, when you decide is when you start, or you really aren't serious.