The Answering Machine

The new message for the Clinton administration. I imagine Trumps would be quite a bit different.

Thank you for calling the White House. Our normal business hours are from 9 AM to 3 PM Eastern Standard time, Tuesday through Thursday. If you are hearing this message during these hours, we are either with another supplicant or in the hospital. Please stay on the line to hear the important options available.

Press 1 to make a donation to the Clinton Foundation. Upon confirmation of the deposit, you will be given the number of my personal Blackberry. Seven figure minimum, six figures is for cabinet secretaries.

If you are calling about a social justice issue, press 2 to be connected to the Secretary of Health and Human Services.

If you are under attack and need help, press 3 to be connected to the State department. If you are with the State Department, press 4 to be connected to the Pentagon. If you are with the Pentagon, press 3.

If you are female and trying to reach Bill, please hang up and call his personal number, 69-BIG CIGAR.

If you are an attorney, press 5 to be connected to the Justice Department. If you are the justice department, you either already have my personal Blackberry number or you don't really need to talk to me.

For all other problems and for expedited service, press 1.

Thank you for calling and have a nice day.