Sasquatch

An article here references another "scientific" paper using the latest and greatest computer modeling techniques to predict habitat for wild animals, and impact on the habitat due to outside influences such as the construction of a Wal-Mart or global warming. It seems that if Pope Prius I is right, the habitat for the Sasquatch will be adversely impacted, and the denizens of the Pacific Northwest will be forced to move.

Biogeographers are among the many scientific disciplines that have been employing increasingly sophisticated computer algorithms to predict the ecological niche of species. The algorithms take information about sightings or recorded incidences of a species, find commonalities among those sightings against maps of other ecological data (i.e rainfall, forest type, presence of other species, etc.), and produce a geographic distribution for the target species.

The software is reportedly quite sophisticated, and even produces reasonably accurate predictions of where, for example, one might expect to meet a black bear while hiking through the woods.

“This Bigfoot paper is really good,” writes anthropologist John Hawks, who notes that the authors intended the piece as a tongue-in-cheek’ example, and an illustration of the problems presented by the ‘garbage in, garbage out’ principle.

The output apparently lacks a response of the "You've got to be kidding!" variety, and will cheerfully process anything you put in without snarky comments or anything. It's the sort of thing that should be nominated for an Ig-Nobel prize in biology, at the very least.

Based on the recognized infallibility of anything produced by a computer, I expect that we shall soon see a budget item in the Washington, Oregon, and Idaho DOT budgets to have made up a number of Sasquatch x-ing signs to go with the rest of the warnings to motorists, as the elusive beasts begin to migrate northward to more favorable climes.

I also propose a special prize, consisting of a gift certificate good for a complete repair and detailing of your vehicle to the first person who bags a migrating Sasquatch with his or her vehicle.*

Extra points if you provide us with the cooking recipe and a report on what it tasted like.

Contributions to the award fund should be made to my bank in the Barbados.

*The head must be provided to Billie and Bobs Taxidermy, Bait, Liquor, and Guns, Coolin, Idaho, for authentication.