Cap and Trade, or Rationing Fire

John McCain has proposed a “Cap and Trade” scheme to help save the world from Global warming (see post below). Let me try to explain in simple terms that even I can understand, just what this means.

First, there’s carbon, in the form of carbon dioxide. When Mr. McCain proposes limiting carbon emissions, you bet he isn’t talking about the black solid stuff. That’s called coal, and is used for fuel in a process called combustion, or if you are a simple rock-banger like me: fire. Now there are two types of fire, the traditional type used for cooking or transportation, and the lower-level, but no less important kind called metabolism, without which you become a candidate for use of the first kind, which changes your status from “member of society” to “food”.

“Cap and Trade” refers primarily to the first kind. You burn carbon (mostly) and in return you get cooked food, transportation, and a warm place to sleep. So far, so good. Under the proposed scheme, everybody will be given a ration card (allocation) for an arbitrary amount of fire (permission to burn carbon). Some will need more than their allocation, and some will need less. Maybe you agree with Pope Al that the world is getting warmer, and decide to drive to Jellystone park for a summer vacation, betting that winter will be warm, and you won’t need permission to burn extra carbon to heat your house in December. If you’re wrong, and you have some money, you can buy permission to burn carbon from someone who doesn’t need as much heat or transport as you, say the Cuban government. Of course if you don’t have money, you may have to sit out the snowfall wrapped in blankets at home. Remember, any powered transport at all requires a ration card to use. Hope you live close to work.

Speaking of work, note that businesses are also included in this plan. In fact, they’re the primary targets of it. Imagine that the company you work at, say Acme Widgett, needs to produce 4 million widgets a year to cover their expenses, including, but not limited to, your paycheck. Now, imagine that the amount of fire allocated to them by the Dept of Fire, falls a bit short of what’s actually needed to produce those widgets. First off, nobody gets a raise next year, as the money is necessary to buy more fire rations. Second, some of the employees will be let go, for the same reason. Third, unpaid overtime will be required, and lastly, the factory will be relocated to some place where all you have to pay for is the energy, and not some damnfool permission slip to actually use it. Places like this are, universally, in another country, and you can bet they won’t pay to relocate you there, even if you actually wanted to go.

So Cap and Trade is actually an all-encompassing tax on fire in pretty much any and all forms, coupled with an arbitrary, and decreasing limit on how much can be used for any purpose, independent of population shifts or anything else.

Imagine a utopian future in which Winter is cold, Summer is hot, shelter is a cave, and food is killed with a pointy stick and eaten raw, as nature intended.