Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Saturday, October 26, 2024

Fun With Lawn Signs

 First off I read that Warren Buffet, of Berkshire Hathaway fame, who usually puts out a simple white yard sign with a blue dot on it to encourage people to vote Democratic, has decided to do without any signs this year. I like his approach, so I tried making one myself, a blank white sign with a simple red dot. Problem with this is that it looks like a Japanese flag. Changing the dot to an oval solves that problem, as would changing the dot to a square box. Problem solved.

Meantime, up the block, someone got a very fancy yard sign, in pink, with lace and feminine script reading "Madame President". Beautiful sign, wonderful sentiment. Only problem is that Margret Thatcher isn't on the ballot. To clear up the confusion that might result, I generated a modification to the sign. See below:


The only improvement I could think of was to make the feet separate pieces, with springs between each foot and a clip to attach them to the sign, gibing the assembly a dynamic aspect. Making the feet easily removable would probably result in them getting easily removed though, so I'll just stop here. I get 2 reactions to this picture: Shock and horror, vs guffaws of laughter. The originators might have picked a better font, as I had to explain that it doesn't say Maclam.

Sunday, May 5, 2024

Fun With Headlines - Lost In Translation

 From IOTW:

WLT Report: Drew Barrymore invited Kamala Harris on her show and made an embarrassing mistake.

During the show, Barrymore, in a soft emotional tone, told Harris, “We need you to be ‘Mamala’ of the country.”

Harris responded, “Yeah, I mean, yeah, no, I know.”

Barrymore was attempting to join the words mom and Kamala together, but in doing so, she called Harris “Mámala,” which, in Spanish, means “suck it.”

Monday, November 20, 2023

QOTD - Politics

 This from Sen J. Kennedy of LA:

I’m not saying this is accurate but I can read a poll and the American people have concluded that President Biden is old and he needs soup and an early bedtime and they have concluded that Vice President Harris is not capable, that when her IQ gets to 75, she should sell.”

 

Saturday, November 4, 2023

DeSantis To Select Proxy For Trump Debate?

 DeSantis has offered to wear a boot on his head if Trump will agree to debate him, but may be walking that back (That boot was made for walking) by sending perennial candidate Vermin Supreme as his proxy in the debate.


 This would kill 2 birds with a single boot heel as DeSantis would not have to wear the boot on his head, and Trump would look silly debating someone who makes a homeless vagrant look normal.

This might lead some to suggest DeSantis consider Mr. Supreme as his running mate, as he at least comes across as slightly more reasonable than Kamala Harris and significantly less demented than Joe Biden.

Saturday, August 20, 2022

Womens Problems

 Women only have 2 problems: #1: How to attract men, and #2: How to make them go away. 

Nearly all women have worked out solutions to these problems with varying degrees of success.

All other problems a woman might have can be solved by applying their solutions to items 1 or 2.

If you reverse the words "men" and "women", nothing else seems to change.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Putin Reads From Trumps Book

 As of right now, it's pretty clear that Putins library includes a copy of Trumps book "The Art Of The Deal'. Famously it says that when going in to negotiate, ones position should be to demand the Sun, the moon, and the Stars, and work from there.

Putin has offered his starting position for an end to hostilities in Ukraine thusly:

1. Ukraine should cease all military actions.

2. Ukraine must change their constitution to guarantee its future neutrality.

3. Ukraine must acknowledge Russias possession of Crimea, and 

4. Give up the 2 eastern provinces which the Russians occupied a short time ago.


A great opening offer. Let's see:

1. Russia enjoys being thought of as the second most powerful military force in the world, and is quite embarrassed to be getting stymied by #22 Ukraine.

2. The next time they invade, they would prefer a completely disarmed victim. This is Russias international equivalent to the U.S. gun bans.

3. Russia had based a big part of their Black Sea Fleet in Crimea and dearly wants their Navy bases back. Historically, Crimea has been part of Ukraine, notwithstanding the little love lost between the mostly Muslim Crimeans, and the mostly Christian Ukes. The Crimean Cossacks don't care much for the Russkies either.

4. The Donbas region has been an economic disaster ever since the Rus occupied it, ostensibly to protect the ethnic Rus who live there. Anyone who could move, already has, back west into Ukraine.

So now it's Ukraines turn to make a counter offer. The soldiers on Snake Island probably said it best, but this is international diplomacy, so their response to the Russian demand for surrender would probably need to be Bowdlerized a bit:

1 You first.

2. You first.

3. How about if we agree that Crimea will be a designated neutral and demilitarized zone?

4. You will remove all occupying troops from Donbas, and we will guarantee full rights to the citizens there.

5. Additional diplomatic words and phrases, saying nice things about all parties concerned, mentioning Ukraines right as a sovereign nation to associate with anyone she wants, and ending with "...and the horse you rode in on."

Monday, February 21, 2022

Kamala Threatens Putin!

 The news won't report this of course but I have it on the best authority* from an unimpeachable source** that Kamala will be meeting with Putin and laying down the law: "You call off the invasion of Ukraine and recall all the troops or you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of the month!"


*A small bird, chirped in my ear.

**I hold no office, therefore I can't be impeached.

Sunday, January 30, 2022

Fun With Headlines - Canadian Insurrection!

 From the conservative treehouse comes this beauty:

Amid Escalating Protests, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau Has Fled the Capital City of Ottawa – Canadian Safety Minister Refuses to Confirm CBC Broadcast of Russians Surrounding the City

Even funnier because it's true, still, one must realize that the Chinese would never allow Russian troops in one of their many "breakaway provinces" now would they?

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Child rearing

 Found a great column on the topic at Ammo Grrrl. Ex:

I read a pretty amusing description of the difference between the parents’ protocol with the first child and the subsequent children. With the first child, when she drops her pacifier, you boil it. With the second child, you run it under the faucet for a few seconds to remove any visible dirt. With the third child, you have the dog fetch it.

 So all you secondary, tertiary, and etc. kids out there, remember that your parents didn't actually favor their first born over you, they just didn't know any better. As a result, I suppose the much better developed immune system of the younger siblings probably means that today they're only fractionally as likely to catch the Wuhan Flu.

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Latest Windows Update

 I have it from a strictly unconfirmed source that if you get the Gates-approved vaccination for the WuHan Flu, about 2 weeks after the second shot, if you have a Win10 computer, you no longer need either the mouse or keyboard. Your interface is a direct to-the-brain connection and is several orders of magnitude faster than typing or pushing a mouse around.

Possible side effects include automatic storage of all your data to Gates' cloud. If you query Microsoft about this, they will vehemently deny the whole story. I mean, what better proof can you get?

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Hyundai Genisis GV80 beta test?

 /s/ 

The Hyundai Genesis GV80 that Tiger Woods was driving was a beta prototype of their entry into the flying car category which Toyota is also getting into. While equipped with the dashboard buttons to enable flight mode, it seemed that Wood's car was not, in fact, fitted with the full suite of flight options. 

Notably missing were the propellers and wings.

/s/

Monday, February 8, 2021

Super Bowl Humor

I did not watch the game. I am told, however , that at halftime, the Chiefs were leading. After the halftime show however, the Bucs had had 20 points added to their score.

Did anyone notice if the scoreboard had a Dominion trademark on it?

Friday, February 5, 2021

Humor

 I found this on another blog, which one I no longer remember, and posted it on a humor themed Facebook page.


It lasted 1 day before being flagged by an African group for containing false and misleading medical advice. In some places I bet it is. For the rest of us, it's humor in spite of the fact that some people are born without a sense of humor.

Monday, February 1, 2021

Fun With Headlines - Amsterdam

 From the Daily Mail,

Amsterdam officials to vote on plans for 'erotic centre' away from the city centre in bid to clean up its sex-and-drugs reputation and attract 'better' tourists

 Maybe they'll call it Erotterdam.

Friday, December 25, 2020

Unfounded News

 I have it on unimpeachable authority that the first thing President Biden will be signing will be an unconditional pardon for Ghislaine Maxwell. 

The sigh of relief from Washington is expected to affect weather conditions as far away as South Carolina.

Mr. Biden will be told that the document is the lease agreement on the White House.

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

The Future Of Immigration

 Sock-puppet-elect Biden says he'll reverse the Trump policies on immigration, by adding "guardrails". Presumably this means the 4-lane overpasses spanning the border wall will now include OSHA-approved guardrails to prevent any unregistered democrats invading foreign infantry immigrants from falling off the edges and requiring Obamacare in the U.S.

Suggestion: He could avoid the bad publicity of ICE having to detain all those folks while paperwork is being processed by simply proposing legislation to grant statehood to all the Mexican states which would automatically make the entire population of Mexico eligible to vote. This would add some 120M new voters, and 32 new states, presumably all Democratic. Admittedly some are effectively run by violent drug cartels, but these would fit in nicely with Illinois which is run by Chicago gangs.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

Fun With Headlines - Thankgiving

 Dr Fauchi says:

Dr. Fauci Tells Americans to 'Bite the Bullet and Sacrifice' Thanksgiving

 Given the price of bullets, I think I'll stick with biting the Turkey

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Fun With Headlines - Biden Endorses Trump

 First there's this quote from Sleepy Joe himself:

Joe Biden Tells 56% of Americans Who Say They Are Better Off Under Trump: “Maybe You Shouldn’t Vote for Me”

 When a candidate acknowledges that a significant majority feel his opponent is doing a better job than his group did when they were in power, you have to wonder why he's even still running. The honorable thing to do would be to admit you're wrong and just drop out.

Wednesday, September 30, 2020

New Debate Format

 I hereby propose the "Kindergarten Format for future presidential debates:

Put plexiglass shields around the candidates podiums, big enough to allow hand waving. candidate mics are normally off. Tell the candidates this is for COVID reasons. Give the moderator 2 big buttons which turn each candidate mic on for, say, 2 minutes. Candidate podiums will have 2 lights, one green and one yellow. Moderator asks a question, and presses the appropriate button. Candidate green light goes on and mic goes live. After 90 seconds, the light goes yellow. After 2 minutes, light goes out and mic goes off. The podium shielding will muffle any overtime shouting and the debate takes on an aura of adult participation. If this seems draconian, have the first debate as usual, with the threat that if it degenerates, the next 2 will happen under the "kindergarten rules".

Friday, July 24, 2020

QOTD


Found at Ace of Spades:

And President Trump Lifted Up His Eyes And Prayed: Oh Lord, I Thank Thee That Thou Hast Made Mine Enemies the Sorriest Collection of Incompetent Boobs and Ass-Clowns That Could Ever Be Imagined. Thou Couldst Not Possibly Make Them More Weak, Foolish, and Corrupt. And The Lord God Saith Unto President Trump, Holdest Thou My Beer:

This commemorating the arrest of one of the founders of the never trump movement regarding a $60M bribery gig.